Bedtime Stories for the Little Kiddies

Once upon a time, there was happy Republican family. There was a happy Republican mommy. She was the president of the PTA at her 2.5 children's school, she wore business suits and skirts to her thriving law practice, and she personally checked the immigration papers of her children's Hispanic nanny before hiring her. There was a happy Republican daddy. He owned his wife's thriving law practice, and always wore an American flag pin on his business suit's lapels.
Every night when she tucked them into bed, the happy Republican mommy would tell her children a bedtime story.
"Tell us a scary story, Mommy!" they begged. So she told them a story about the most horrible scary monsters she could think of.
She told them all about the hippie, communist liberals, the Muslim, morally bankrupt president, and the baby-killing, corrupting feminists. The little kiddies listened with wide eyes and blankets clutched to their chins as she described in great detail their evil schemes. The liberals wanted to destroy America! The crazy left-wingers were allowing the breakdown of everything good in the world, by letting Mexicans take American jobs and American money. The feminists didn't want mommies and daddies to get married. In fact, if they had their way, mommies would only be allowed to marry mommies, and daddies could only marry daddies! And they would kill sweet little children like them! And worst of all, they would take Mommy and Daddy's money and give it to- poor people! People who had never done an honest day's work in their lives!
"This is a scary story, Mommy," they whimpered.
"But there's a happy ending," their mommy told them. She told them all about how now there was a Republican majority in the government, so little kiddies could be safe from all the Mexiacans, and the Muslims, and the communists, and the baby-killers. They would never have to worry about learning about sex in school, until the happy Republican daughter got pregnant, anyways, and they would never have to worry about the gay kids at school staring at them in the locker room like filthy perverts.
"Mommy, will you check under the bed before you turn out the lights?" her 2.5 children asked her, when she finished her story. She smiled indulgently and asked, "For what?"
"For-" They looked scared to say the word. "-Liberals," they whispered.
So the happy Republican mommy checked under the bed for the scary monsters, and there weren't any Democrats or gay people or atheists under the bed, and they all lived happily ever after and weren't eaten by monsters in their sleep.
The End.