Wednesday, May 25, 2011

What Not To Wear

When I was living at my parents' house, we didn't have any TV, so I've never heard of this show before, and, frankly, I could have lived a thousand happy lifetimes without having seen it. But ever since I moved in with my grandparents, my pop culture knowledge has expanded significantly.
Now I kinda want to hide in a cave normal people are fucking NUTS.
Anyways, I'm bored as fuck, and I figure my grandparents probably don't want to hear me ranting about this, so, y'all are stuck with it. All six of you who read this.

So, WNTW starts out with this chick hanging out with her friends at an ice skating rink, when suddenly an extremely gay guy and this woman trying desperately to look sophisticated and friendly at the same time turn up and are like, LOL EVERYTHING YOU WEAR SUCKS SURPRISE!!!! And everyone cheers and says, YAAAAAAYY THROW OUT ALL HER CLOTHES AND MAKE HER FEEL LIKE CRAP! And then everyone smiles and laughs, because of COURSE this is what friendly people do, they're just trying to help!!!
Cue guilt trip and belittling.
"You have a six-year-old kid? Don't you ever spend time on yourself?"
"Shopping for trendy clothes is soooo much more important than your kid!'

-She just mentioned that when they're going out, her six-year-old (possibly five? it keeps changing) makes fun of her clothes and tells her to change. It's so cute when even your small children make fun of you! How precious!

-(Returning from a commercial break) "Her clothes range from boob-showing and hip-hugging to 'sloppy mom on the go'." ...She's wearing sweats. To go to the park. With her five/six-year-old. Who the hell dresses in couture for that??

-They're getting a "professional" to get her bra size...seriously, they have those? Weird...

-And now the gay guy and the "trying desperately" girl (I think they're the hosts?) are watching her through the mirror, commenting on her new bra. Hang on, five seconds ago, they were saying she was showing too much cleavage, now they're getting her bras to "give her more lift"? News flash for the flamboyant man, that makes them MORE visible.

-Annnd we're back to blaming her for spending too much time and energy on her kids and not enough buying clothes for herself.

-"Oh, honey, no, we LOVE your body, your body is fine!" To the cameras, later: "If she just took care of herself a little, you know, maybe in a couple years she'll look good". *facepalm*

-To make it even better, she just came out of the dressing room, and the first thing the Desperately Trying Woman said was "Ohhh, honey, this looks great, it gives you this cute tiny waist!" ...

Yeahhh...I'm gonna steal the remote when my grandma falls asleep again and watch NCIS.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

"Men are Just Smarter, That's All"

Good news, ladies! "Science" has proven that guys are just smarter than we are!
"For example, women are not great at math. We women can get by-in a world of mediocre performances. But in the world of hotshot math, women are outclassed."
Well, that tears it. I guess I'll just give up now. Poor little me, with my "mediocre" brain, will just go sit in the corner and let the boys run the show. 'Cause I'm just simply "outclassed". Thank God I found out about this before I tried to pursue a career in math! I'm so relieved to know that it's not my fault if I'm bad at math, it's simply "natural".

A Man? No. You are a boy.

"Hey, Daddy, is this shirt too provocative?"
"Daddy, look at this skirt. Does it create sinful, lustful thoughts in your mind?
*shudders* Too creeepy. Sounds like the script for a bad porn movie, am I right? But, no...that's what an unidentified Christian college student suggests women do. This guy tells us that just getting from class to class every day is a "battle" and that he has to listen to worship music and pray and recite scripture to resist the "temptation" of provocatively dressed women on campus. If it's that bloody difficult not to stare down girl's shirts, you really need therapy. Give your gender a little credit here, man. They've already got it cut out for them, trying to prove that sex isn't all they think about. Anyone can appreciate a nice-looking body without wanting to put their hands all over it, dude. If all you can think about when you see a girl in butt-hugging jeans or a V-neck shirt is how much you want to grab her boobs, then you definitely do not belong in college. Maybe seventh grade, with all the other horny little preteens.
Oh, and my favorite part? (Direct quote, I swear): "I am thankful that God has created me to be attracted to women". Translation: "Thank God I'm not gay."
"There are girls everywhere." Horror! Shock! GIRLS?? Oh, noes!!!

So now I really wanna buy some itty-bitty skirts and super-low cut shirts, just out of scientific curiosity. Think his head would explode? or would he fall to his knees and cry out to the Holy Spirit for mercy? It'd be interesting, don't you think?
"Consider this a message on behalf of men." Um, no. Because men, grown, mature men, are not that desperate. Twelve-year-old middle school boys are.
Believe me, I know guys think about sex a lot. Possibly constantly, in some cases. (coughex-boyfriendcough) But, jeez, tarring them all with the same brush seems a little harsh.
If your thoughts, when you look at an attractive woman, are first and foremost about sex, then you consider women sex objects. Don't try to pin this one on us, sugar. You can't keep your head out of the gutter, but you're gonna blame it on me in a V-neck shirt? Blaming women for being "tempting" is just a church-approved way of avoiding responsibility.
One last fun quote:
"Have your dad screen your wardrobe. He's a guy. He knows more than you do on the issue."
Scary, am I right?

I went to the website of Pastor C.J. Mahaney, the cited maker of this sermon video. I couldn't find the video, so I'm not sure if he's to blame for this, but on the "modesty" section of his blog, I found some invaluable advice on modesty (for women only, mind you. Cause, you know, guys are flawless. Chicks are vile temptresses).
It's all very carefully worded, very gentle admonishments. Kudos to Pr. Mahaney for giving us the benefit of the doubt- maybe we just don't REALIZE that we're tempting men down the path of evil to burn in hell for eternity. I've arranged his comments and advice into helpful, sarcastic bullet points.

-Women should always ask for men's advice on clothing. A girl should ask her father if her clothes are too skanky (never mind that every mom I know is way more concerned about that than the dads), and a woman should ask her husband or another trusted friend. ("Honey, is skirt too short?" "Not short enough! I")
-Women should reflect "the transforming power of the gospels". How the hell does a wardrobe reflect a gospel? Should my panties have a picture of a cross on them, so when people see them under my miniskirt, they think of Jesus and not sex?
-Women should not draw attention to their bodies. Women should not be proud. It's a sin. And it makes guys horny.
-You and some man in your life (father, husband, sassy gay friend, whatever) should pray over your wardrobe. Seriously.
-Women should not make decisions by themselves. Because that never ends well.

Saturday, April 2, 2011


Besides being hilarious, this is a pretty damned good way of handling the discovery that your daughter kisses girls. It really should be just this simple.

Update: It should go to the right link now...

Friday, March 18, 2011

New Candidate for the Darwin Award

This tidbit from everyone's favorite comedian: Ann Coulter, with her brilliant essay on why Japanese people getting radiation poisoning is good for them! Aren't you glad we've got brilliant scientific minds like her watching out for us, and making sure the liberal media doesn't corrupt our minds?

"With the terrible earthquake and resulting tsunami that have devastated Japan, the only good news is that anyone exposed to excess radiation from the nuclear power plants is now probably much less likely to get cancer. This only seems counterintuitive because of media hysteria for the past 20 years trying to convince Americans that radiation at any dose is bad. There is, however, burgeoning evidence that excess radiation operates as a sort of cancer vaccine."

This ingenious hypothesis of hers comes from the fact that some scientists theorize- theorize, mind you!- that...
"...these doses protect against cancer by activating cells' natural defense mechanisms."
"Breaking news! Some scientists suggest drinking arsenic in your morning coffee is probably a bad idea!"
"No, it's not! It's liberal media scare tactics! (Insert obscure university, preferrably in a foreign country) did a study that (pick one: proved, suggests, strongly suggests) that arsenic can (pick one: increase your life span by 4.3 months, prevent breast cancer, leap tall buildings in a single bound)."

Course, radiation issues don't really have much to do with feminism...but Ann Coulter is an embarassment to all those with a vagina. And all those with a brain. Actually...most of humankind. How can you not make fun of her? She makes it so easy...

And I don't like her. So there.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Ghetto School SUCKS

So. 100th International Women's Day, y'all! ...and nobody at my school's heard of it. Actually, most of them weren't even aware March is America's Women's History Month. You will not believe how many of my friends have told me they don't really care about Women's History Months because "Well, I'm not really a feminist, so it doesn't matter to me..."
This is going to take some work